Get Out of Your Head!

Alright, I know I’ve been AWOL for a while.  All summer really.  I took the summer off of school and was just trying to focus on work, family, gardening, learning to can foods, and THERAPY. Lots of therapy.  It’s been going really well.  I’ve done a lot of work learning new coping strategies for when the anxiety creeps up on me.  Also focusing on paying attention to my self talk and working to improve it.  I am way too hard on myself.  I spent the whole summer locked pretty tightly inside my own head.  That can be good sometimes.  It can help you evaluate yourself.  But taken too far it can keep you from moving forward.

Anyways, today is DAY 8 sober!  Started last Monday.  I’m getting back into writing because it is great way to bust out of my head.  I can take all these thoughts that work their way around in my head in circles over and over and just dump them out.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been swirling around uncontrollably:

  • I need to lose weight.  I’ve put a lot of weight back on over the last year. I don’t like it.  I don’t feel good about it physically, or mentally.
  • Building on the first thought: I really need to reignite my passion for running.  I felt amazing while training for a half marathon.  I just don’t have the time to devote to that kind of training.  I do have time to run though.  I need a goal, just don’t know what yet
  • When I look at myself objectively, I’m pretty awesome.  My life is pretty awesome.  Why don’t I feel like my life and self are awesome?
  • I know that I can quit drinking for about 6 weeks.  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve done that.  What happens after that though?
  • I have taken on a very ambitious life plan changing careers and going back to college.  What if I can’t do it?  What if this one thing that is my life’s passion, is the thing that I fail at?

This isn’t everything.  But these are the ones that seem to come to the surface most frequently.  I guess that’s it for today.  Peace.

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Hurry Up and Wait!

Well, I haven’t written anything this week because there just hasn’t been much to report.   It’s finals week at school.  So I have 3 different projects/papers I should be working on and 4 finals I should be studying for.  Naturally, I decided that it was a perfect time for a blog post!

dynamite Finals

The whole ‘getting into recovery’ thing kinda is on hold.  Ish.  My next appointment is next Tuesday.  It was just really hard to figure out appointment times when I am working and/or at school 7 days a week.  I haven’t stopped drinking.  Honestly, I’m scared to stop without a treatment plan.  I don’t want to stop and then fall off the wagon a couple days later because I’m not mentally prepared for what I’m doing.

so-my-plans-for-finals-week-didnt-exactly-work-out-72896

Yeah, that’s how great I’m doing at eating well.  I start my day with a really healthy super food shake.  But it pretty much ends there.  Stress has fully caught up with me.  I need some time off.  From everything.  Luckily the semester ends next week and I’m not taking any summer classes.  I’ll still have to work, but I will actually have some days off here and there.  I’m going to train for and run a race this summer.  A 10k I think.  Having a goal helps me stay on track.  But I’ve been too busy to train for races during school and I totally lost my motivation.

Ugh.

I sound like such a whiny bitch right now.  I am really overwhelmed with how fast everything is moving at school and how slow everything is moving in regards to my therapy and treatment.  Like having one hand in a bowl of boiling hot water and one hand in a bowl of ice water.  My brain doesn’t know how to interpret the signals.